Oregon Horse School

Here are a couple jokes and fun tidbits that I’ve collected over the years from friends and e-mail chains. Hope this brings a smile to your face!

Lookin’ Good

One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: “I think your horse looks pretty good, so I’ll give you $500 for him.”

“He doesn’t look so good, and he’s not for sale,” the farmer said.

The man insisted, “I think he looks just fine and I’ll up the price to $1,000.”

“He doesn’t look so good,” the farmer said, “but if you want him that much, he’s yours.”

The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, “You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!”

The farmer calmly replied, “I told you he didn’t look so good, didn’t I?”

Murphy’s Horse Laws

There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.

No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.

The least useful horse in you barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.

A horse’s misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.

Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.

Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.

Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.

Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.

If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.

The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.

Your barn will fall down without baling twine.

Hoof picks always run a way from home.

If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.

How do you…

induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.

cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.

cure equine insomnia? Show them in a halter class.

get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Show them in a liberty class.

get a horse to wash his own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.

get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.

get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.

make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.

get a show horse to set up perfectly and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is around to see him.

induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.

make it rain? Mow a field of hay.

make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.

You know you are a horseperson when:

-You cluck to your car when you go up a hill.

-Your horse’s hair is in better condition than your own.

-You refer to your car as “my portable tack room”.

-You are exited when your friend tells you that there is a huge sale at the bridle shop, then you are dissapointed when you realize they mean the bridal shop.

-You have the vet’s number but not your kid’s pediatrician on your speed dial.

-Your spouse can track dirt into the house all they want, but God help them if they muddy up the tack room.

-Your house is a mess, but the barn is as neat as a pin.

-Your nice clothes are the ones without horse hair all over them.

-You have to go to your friend’s wedding in riding clothes because you took too long at the barn.Only horsepeople would spend hundreds of dollors on a show for a 95 cent ribben

You Might Be A Horse Person If…

* You get frequent flyer miles without ever being on a plane

* Hay twine is your solution to EVERYTHING

* The only hats you own are a cowboy hat and a helmet

* Your horse’s family tree is more complete than your own

* You are the one stealing all the socks for tail bags

* You cluck to people and other animals to make them move

* You own more bobby pins than the beautician m

* Your dad is concerned about you checking out the body of and flirting with a horse instead of a guy

* You have favorite wheelbarrows, shovels and pitchforks

* Your nice clothes are the ones without horse hair on them

* Every paper you write has to do with horses

* You are more interested in the trailer than the cute guy standing next to it

* Your horse’s stall is cleaner than your room

* Your plan your entire social life around horse shows and practice

* The centerfold of your magazine is a horse…. And there is NO swimsuit edition

* You say whoa to the dog

* Your motto is “if you have to ask you can’t afford it”

* You’d pay $200 + for a show shirt but refuse to pay more than $20 for jeans

* Your horse has more shoes than you do

* Your boots and hat are not a fashion statement

* You spend hundreds of dollars on a show for a 95 cent ribbon

* Your horses legs are shaved better than your own

* You are not ashamed to wear a hairnet and enough makeup for twenty people

Only horse people…

* Believe in a 11th commandment: inside leg to outside rein.

* Know that all topical medications come in either indelible blue or neon Yellow.

* Think nothing of eating a sandwich after mucking out stalls.

* Know why a thermometer has a yard of yarn attached to one end of it.

* Are banned from Laundromats.

* Fail to associate whips, chains and leather with sexual deviancy.

* Can magically lower their voices 5 octaves to bellow at a pawing horse.

* Will end relationships over their hobby.

* Cluck to their cars to help them up hills.

* Insure their horses for more than their cars.

* Know more about their horse’s nutrition than their own.

* Have Neatsfoot oil stains on the carpet right next to the TV.

* Have a vocabulary that can make a sailor blush.

* Have less wardrobe than their horse.

* Engage in a hobby that is more work than their day job.

* Know that mucking stalls is better than Zoloft any day.

* You use your horse’s mane/tail comb to put up your hair.

* You use your horse’s braiding bands for your own hair.

* Your entertainment for the week is playing in the manure pile.

* You fight for what wheelbarrow your going to get.

* You give your horse more baths than you get yourself.

* Your horse has more blankets than you do clothes.

* You clip your horse more often than you shave your legs.

* You spent more money on your horse’s front shoes than you did on all

* your own shoes put together.

* You didn’t have air conditioning, but you got two fans for your horse’s stall.

* You go to a horse show rather than going to church.

* Your horse has more grooming supplies than you have cosmetic products

* You wear the same dirty clothes every day, so you don’t have to make another outfit dirty.

Five Gaited Horse: Start, Stop, Stumble, Stagger and Fall Over.

Horse slang: Skid Lid – a riding helmet.

The Manual of Appropriate Behavior (for your horse)

1 – CHEWING. Make a contribution to the architectural industry … chew on your stall wall, the fence, or any other wooden item.

2 – CHILDREN: Human children require much nurturing in order to develop a health self-ego. Never offer your right-lead canter to an adult rider. However, permit the child the honor of the right lead. Older children may be denied the first one or two canter cues, to prepare them for adulthood. Very young children MUST be given the right lead on the very first try.

3 – DEATH. When one of your best turn-out buddies has gone to the Great Pasture in the Sky, your human attendant will require much comforting, as they fear they will go next. Humans are instinctively afraid of death. Offer your comfort by making deep hacking and wheezing coughs, producing voluminous amounts of phlegm. Your human will be greatly comforted, knowing that he’s not the next to go.

4 – DINING ETIQUETTE. Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human the next time they clean your stall – and we all know how humans love a challenge. (That’s what they said when they bought you as a two-year-old, right?)

5 – DOORS. Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.

6 – FARRIER. The farrier is an object on which you can take out your frustration without danger of limiting your food supply.

7 – FRESH BEDDING. It is perfectly permissible to use the bathroom in the middle of your freshly bedded stall, letting your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.

8 – GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES. Rules of the road – When out on a trail ride with your owner, never relieve yourself on your own lawn.

9 – GROUND MANNERS. Ground manners are very important to humans. Therefore, break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who’s boss and impresses your human.

10 – HOLES. Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a bunch of smaller holes all over so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, they might think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to correct this problem.

11 – IMPROPER SHOES. Your human attendant will often risk his safety by wearing shoes that might not provide full protection from hazardous ranch situations. You can correct (not punish) this behavior by applying pressure to the unprotected foot. Humans are known to move away from pressure, but only after making loud noises. Keep the pressure applied until your human responds correctly to this cue.

12 – MARRIAGE. Your personal human attendant may also have a spouse, who professes nonequinity. Whenever your attendant brings the non-equus spouse to visit, you are to lavish unimaginable amounts of charm on the non-equus spouse, and more importantly, you must act fearful of your personal human attendant. This process must continue until such time as the non-equus spouse converts to full equinity.

13 – NEIGHING. Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh – a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, “Neigh, neigh, neigh …”

14 – NUZZLING. Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human you just nuzzled to dry it off, as well.

15 – PLAYING. If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall, so you don’t injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ole’ vet, not you!

16 – RAIN. Humans are generally little busy bodies, like beavers, who need to constantly build and modify. During the rain, stick either your head or your hindquarters beyond the reach of your roof. Your human will instinctively (being the stimulus / response creatures that they are) move you to a new stall, and make a new roof for you later.

17 – SHOEING. Humans are creatures driven by instant gratification. After a good foot trimming or shoeing, trot smartly around to show your human how nicely the shoes fit. The next day, drag one foot when you walk, to provide your little busy body with yet another project to work on.

18 – SHOTS. Humans are characteristically nervous when providing veterinary care for you. In order to soothe your human, raise your head, immediately after the injection, turning the lead rope into a handy tool with which you can swing your human. Genetically predisposed, humans are comforted by swinging back and forth on the lead rope, while screaming primeval noises.

19 – STOMPING CATS. When standing on cross-ties, make sure you never – quite – stomp on the barn cat’s tail. It spoils all the fun.

20 – SNORTING. Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.

21 – VISITORS. Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human back away and starts crying, swish your tail, stamp your feet, and nicker gently to show your concern.

Who Can Open the Gate? (a breed profile)

This story takes place in a big pasture, filled with all different kinds of horses. A question has just been asked amid the herd: “Who can open the gate?” Here’s what they say …

Lipizzaner: “No need for opening it! When are you all going to learn how to fly?!”

Thoroughbred: “Let’s wait for the gate to open – when the bell rings!”

Paint: “Yeah, what he said! Na na na na na na!

Arabian: “You’ll have to get somebody else to do it. My nails aren’t dry!”

Quarter Horse: “Maybe if I push on it with my hindquarters, I could open it?”

Standardbred: “Pity on all of you. I’ll figure it out. Just give me some time.”

Polo Pony: “Wait a minute … let me get my stick and give it a few whacks.”

Shetland Pony: “Let me at it! I’ll break the stupid thing and then you all can get outta my face.”

Mules: “Oh, let’s just pack it in and call it a day.”

Saddlebred: “Now, now. I’ll open it, if someone could help me with my shoes!”

Friesian: “I’ll do it! But do you think it will mess up my hair?”

Mustang: “What’s a gate?”

Belgian: “Step back! You all aren’t strong enough to do it. I’ll do it. Oh, but what if I break it?”

Morgan: “There, there. I’ll do it for you. No need to have such a big fit. Peace be with all of you. Is there anything else I could do for you after I get done with the gate?”

Appaloosa: “Oh, hush all of you! Ya big bunch of sissies. No one is leaving ’till I say so.”

Percheron: “I already opened the gate while you all have been arguing! I even went down the next row and opened all the other gates. So it’ll be a while before I have to listen to all of you argue again!”

A Rider’s Prayer

Dearest Creator in Heaven,

Give me strength to guide my horse.

Make my hands soft and my head clear.

Let my horse understand me and I him.

My heart you have blessed with a special love of these animals.

Let me never lose sight of it.

My soul you have gifted with a deep need for them.

Let that need never lessen.

Always let my breath catch as the sun gleams on an elegant head.

Always may my throat tighten at the sound of a gentle nicker.

Let the scent of fresh hay and a new bag of grain be sweet to me.

Let the touch of a warm nose on my hand always bring a smile.

I adore the joy of a warm day on the farm.

The grace and splendor of a running horse,

The thunder of its hooves makes my eyes burn and my heart soar.

Let it always be so.

Dearest Creator grant me patience,

For horses are harnessed wind, and wind can be flighty.

Let me not frighten or harm them.

Instead show me ways to understand them.

Above all, dear Creator, fill my life with them.

When I pass from this world, Send my soul to no heaven without them.

For this love you have given me graces my existence

And I shall cherish it and praise You for it for all time.

Glossary of Horse Terms

* Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.

* Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big horse show .

* A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you’ve been to your favorite tack shop.

* Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.

* Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.

* Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.

* Well Mannered: Hasn’t stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.

* Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.

* Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.

* Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.

* Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.

* Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.

* Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.

* Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.

* Easy to Catch: In a 10×10 stall.

* Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with “ride-able”.

* Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.

* Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.

* Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.

* Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.

* Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.

* Light Cribber: We can’t afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.

* Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.

# Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse-show food stands.

# Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.

# Endurance ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.

# Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.

What Horses Teach us

When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.

* When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.

* When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.

* When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.

* When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.

* When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.

* When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.

* When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.

* When you are lonely, let me be your companion.

* When you are tired, let me carry the load.

* When you need to learn, let me teach you.

After all, I am your horse.

****And now, the REAL story……..****

* When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in the woods, and we need to leave NOW.

* When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.

* When you are shortsighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in 40 acres I am hiding.

* When you are quick to react, let me teach you that herbivore’s kick MUCH faster than omnivores.

* When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet, because I don’t FEEL like cantering on my right lead today, that’s why.

* When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.

* When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you about those lions in the woods.

* When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs of YAHOO-let’s-go suitably inspired event horse can do.

* When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let’s do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.

* When you are tired, let me remind you of the 600 lbs of grain that needs to be unloaded.

* When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of “Veterinary Services, additional”.

Fun and Fast Horse Facts

* The oldest horse on record was named Old Billy, a Cleveland Bay that lived to be 62 years old.

* Adult horses only sleep 3-4 hours in a 24 hour period.

* The tallest horse was named Samson back in the 1850′s.  Samson stood at 21.2 hands high.

* The smallest horse in the world is Thumbelina (aptly named).  She stands at just 17 inches tall!

* A horse can see in all directions except for directly in front and directly behind him.

* The highest successful jump ever was made by a horse named Huaso in Chile.  He jumped 8 feet!

* A mule is a cross between a male donkey (known as a jack) and a female horse (mare). Mules are always sterile.

* Horses cannot breathe through their mouths

Things not to say to your farrier:

* All it takes to be a farrier is a strong back and a weak mind!

* He won’t stand for me either, but your ad said you were a professional

* Can you come back? We are home now.

* Let me get my twitch before we get started.

* These shoes have been on for only 12 weeks, and they are getting loose.

* Sooo, when you’re finished, do I have to wait an hour before I can ride him/her?

* My horse hates men.

* Yep, I put that stuff on their feet right before you got here.

* Every time we turn him out he throws a shoe.

* That don’t look that hard!

* Isn’t it great to be outside all day?

* Let me call my neighbors and their 5 kids. They have never seen a horse shod before.

* It sure is HOT!

* I used to shoe, and I can tell right away if you’re doing a good job.

* Do those nails hurt him?

* He’s normally gentle as a kitten, but it is the first time I have had a halter on him.

* Honestly, I DO clean his feet

* I haven’t ever picked up his feet, but he seems real gentle.

* Can you put these shoes on good and tight so that they won’t come off?

* My vet said for you to call him and he will tell you how to shoe my horse.

* He kicked the last farrier just like he kicked you.

* He’s never been that bad!! What did you do?

* The last guy I had won’t come any more. Can you come today?

* I left them out in the field because it was such a nice day.

* So, how much does your chiropractor run you a month?

* Sorry – that’s my cell phone. I won’t let it ring under this colt’s nose again.

* He never does that for me.

* My horse doesn’t kick. …well he has never kicked before.

* Are you busy TODAY?

* Can you make his foot smaller?

* This is the first time he has EVER lost a shoe.

* Since he’s a colt, will you charge me half price?

* I used to shoe my own horses, but I could never get the angles right. Do you think you could take a little more off that back foot?

* My horse is lame. You must have cut him too short.

* Let me help you clear out a place to work, I’ve been meaning to get out here and straighten up this old barn…

* That’s not the way the farrier did it back where I come from.

* Can you save all the hoof trimmings for my dog?

* Boy, you must have a strong back to bend over all day like that.

* He’s just trying to swat the flies off you.

If Horses Were in High School, What Cliques Would They Be In?

* Quarter Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts…definitely jocks.

* Thoroughbreds: Preppies. Sometimes athletes, never ‘jocks’. Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack. They are the “new money” rich.

* Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to trip acid so they can watch their spots move.

* Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!! (need I say more?)

* Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitudes and any color of the rainbow …. gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.

* Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.

* Morgans: They’re the nerdy teacher’s pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.

* Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they’re just the big guys who sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who’s going to STOP them?

* Icelandics and Paso Finos: They’re the little squirrely geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear Toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be ripoff WeathaBeetas??).

* Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle….!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.

* Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees and heads held high…..even going to the bathroom.

* Warmbloods: Old Money Preppies, as opposed to the TBs who are new money preppies. All their tack is imported from Europe, they drink Perrier water and eat only organically grown feed. They look down on everyone and talk amongst themselves about summer in Paris and skiing in Gstad and wasn’t it dreadful how provincial Spruce Meadows has become?